


Missing the Action (aka: Where's Hawkeye?!)

by bluegeekEM, Hangebokhan



Category: Hawkeye (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Between the Scenes, Coda, Email & other written communication, Gen, Minor Canon Corrections, Podfic & Podficced Works, Podfic Length: 10-20 Minutes, Texting, Voicemail, epistolary (sort of)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-06-19 20:17:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15517782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluegeekEM/pseuds/bluegeekEM, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hangebokhan/pseuds/Hangebokhan
Summary: So whatwasClint doing during all those missions he wasn't on?





	1. Missing the Action (aka: Where's Hawkeye?!)

**Author's Note:**

> This collaborative work was created by bluegeekEM (the author) and Hangebokhan (the podficcer) for the community pod_together. Although entirely set within the MCU, this version of Clint is heavily influenced by the Hawkeye comics version of Clint Barton. And the whole family on the farm? Never happened in this universe ;)
> 
> Han: What family? Oooh, you mean Barney's farm? Yea. I don't know why everyone keeps on thinking it's Clint's. I am so glad Em wrote this. Hawkeye is my favorite character in MCU, but I basically don't acknowledge MCU as cannon for Hawkeye. Also, thanks to TennisRando for being the SI receptionist in the podfic. She improved the script.

[The podfic can be found here.](https://drive.google.com/open?id=1ekD-VG2PX6wKcG60bpFK7TVsKVgixNxK) It is 14.9MB and 14:51 long.

 

[**Iron Man** ](https://youtu.be/FRIUhO4MdGU?t=3m38s)

 

**

 

 _[ring]_  
_[beep]_

“No, really, _this_ guy? What the f-”

_[BEEP]_

 

** ** **

 [ **Iron Man 2**](https://youtu.be/OVGbAFy36xM?t=18s)

 _[ring]_  
_[beep]_

“Nat? Are you screening your calls?”

 _[ring]_  
_[beep]_

“If so, I’m gonna call you back. Pick it up.”

 _[ring]_  
_[beep]_

“Awww, voicemail, no. Nat, seriously. He got drunk and flew into a giant doughnut. I mean… you’ve gotta admit that this is totally worse and/or better than any of the benders I’ve subjected you to in the past, right?”

 

** ** **

[ **Thor** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CpYb3Qdrmc&frags=pl%2Cwn)

_[ring]_

“Hi. Now it’s your turn.”

_[beep]_

“Clint.”

_[sigh]_

“So I just got word that the desert was on fire. And electrocuted. The desert that you were sent to keep an eye on. Would you care to explain yourself?”

 

** ** ** 

[ **Captain America** ](https://youtu.be/SY-QhsAZ5jU?t=18s)

_[ring]_  
_[beep]_

“Why do you get the ‘kicking Russian ass’ missions and I get the ‘babysitting creepy alien shit in a bunker’ missions? It’s not fair.”

 

**

 

 

** ** ** 

[ **Iron Man 3** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHrOFzmQ-eQ)

_[beep]_

“Nat, have you heard from him? I’ve checked all the message drops he knows about, and also the ones he doesn’t, because, well, he’s _Stark_ and still, I’ve got nothing. No contact.”

“......”

“He can’t be dead. Not like that…”

“...”

“Right?”

 

**

 

_[ring]_

“Stark Industries, how may I direct your call?”

“Can I please speak to Pepper Potts?”

“Ms. Potts is unavailable, sir. May I take a message?”

“Look, I really need to talk to her. I’m a friend. Well, I’m an acquaintance. Well, I’m-”

“Do you have an appointment, sir?”

“What? No, I don’t have an appointment. Who has an appointment for a phone call?”

“Ms. Potts has an extremely busy schedule, sir. If you give me your name and number, I will give it to her personal assistant so she can call you back.”

“Look, it’s an emergency. I’m Clint Barton, Hawkeye, an Avenger? I know you’ve heard the news. I just need to speak with-”

“As I informed you earlier, Mr. Barton, Ms. Potts is unavailable right now.”

“Oh.”

_[sigh]_

“Would you like to leave-”

_[click]_

“Damn it!”

 

** ** **

**[Thor: The Dark World](https://youtu.be/_KMlpIcxE3o?t=1m22s) **

 

**

 

_[ring]_

“Sal’s pizza, pickup or delivery?”

“Delivery. Extra large pepperoni and mushroom, please. And can you write a message on the top of the box?”

“A message?”

“Yeah. Write, ‘Maria- sounds like your life just got a lot more interesting.’”

“...Yes, sir.”

“Oh, and can you add a smiley face at the end?”

“Whatever you want, pal. Now where’s this going?”

 

** ** ** 

[ **Captain America: The Winter Soldier** ](https://youtu.be/_PC3i4OuagI?t=25s)

_[ring]_  
_[beep]_

“I go on a mission for, like, two seconds and come back to find you on every agency’s Most Wanted list? What the fuck, Nat?”

 _[ring]_  
_[beep]_

“And also, now would be a good time to offer proof of life.”

 

**

 

~ROBIN’S FLOWERS~  
~For all your life’s events, say it with an arrangement~

Sure would have been nice to have a teammate with rappelling arrows on hand when you and your new buddy decided to jump from high places, don’t you think?

-Hawkeye

P.S. Why does Nat get to have all the fun?

 

** ** ** 

[ **Ant-Man** ](https://youtu.be/ABpZl0KG4mI?t=1m4s)

 

**

 

 

**

 

 

** ** **

[ **Doctor Strange** ](https://youtu.be/HSzx-zryEgM)

 

[Postcard of a recluse spider]

N-

We have MAGICIANS now??!!??!!

-C

 

** ** **

[ **Spiderman: Homecoming** ](https://youtu.be/V3tmHPFEwMY?t=1m47s)

 

 

**

 

 _[ring]_  
_[beep]_

“Laying low is freaking boring and I’m tempted to harass Stark just to break up the day.”

 

**

 

 

** ** **

[ **Thor: Ragnarok** ](https://youtu.be/92MbL6P_eXo?t=8s)

 

Hey Nat,

Just dropped by to say hi and catch up. Didn’t know you’d be upstate. Again. Ate the leftovers in the fridge.

Do you think we should check on Thor, or something? I mean, it’s been a while since we’ve heard from him, and he doesn’t even know all the shit that’s gone down here, so…

-CB

 

**

 

 

** ** ** 

[ **Black Panther** ](https://youtu.be/6vW8FQBdI2M?t=1m54s)

 

 _[ring]_  
_[beep]_

“Wait a second. Wakanda isn’t just a bunch of huts and rhinos but an actual fucking _paradise_? And we sent the _Winter Soldier_ to hide out there while I rot in Bumfuck Wyoming; Population: 83 and home of shitty pizza?”

 

**

 

 

** ** **

[ **Avengers: Infinity War** ](https://youtu.be/6ZfuNTqbHE8)

 

 _[ring]_  
_[beep]_

“What the fuck is going on, Nat? Half the town is just… gone. I can’t get in touch with Fury or Hill, the news, what there is of it, is reporting _more_ alien attacks, and none of my SHIELD contacts are returning my calls. Where the hell is everyone?”

 

** ** **

 

END


	2. Missing the Action (aka: Where's Hawkeye?!) (text-only)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the plain text version of the story “Missing the Action (aka: Where's Hawkeye?!)”

**Iron Man**

1:03 PM, Me: Are you watching TV? Are you fucking SEEING this??? THIS guy?

**

_[ring]_  
_[beep]_

“No, really, _this_ guy? What the f-” 

_[BEEP]_

 

** ** **

 

**Iron Man 2**

_[ring]_  
_[beep]_

“Nat? Are you screening your calls?”

_[ring]_  
_[beep]_

“If so, I’m gonna call you back. Pick it up.”

_[ring]_  
_[beep]_

“Awww, voicemail, no. Nat, seriously. He got drunk and flew into a giant doughnut. I mean… you’ve gotta admit that this is totally worse and/or better than any of the benders I’ve subjected you to in the past, right?”

 

** ** **

 

**Thor**

_[ring]_

“Hi. Now it’s your turn.”

_[beep]_

“Clint.”

_[sigh]_

“So I just got word that the desert was on fire. And electrocuted. The desert that you were sent to keep an eye on. Would you care to explain yourself?”

 

** ** **

 

**Captain America**

_[ring]_  
_[beep]_

“Why do you get the ‘kicking Russian ass’ missions and I get the ‘babysitting creepy alien shit in a bunker’ missions? It’s not fair.”

**

 

11:32 AM, Me: Do you think it’s really him?

2:02 AM, Itsy Bitsy: Do you doubt Fury?  
Itsy Bitsy: More to the point, do you doubt COULSON? On Cap?

3:19 PM, Me: Point.  
3:45 PM, Me: Okay, this sounds bad… but do you think he’d maim me if I asked him whether he’d checked to make sure *all* the guy’s equipment had defrosted?

7:28 AM, Itsy Bitsy: Yes.  
8:06 AM, Itsy Bitsy: Do it anyways. I want video.

 

** ** **

 

**Iron Man 3**

_[beep]_

“Nat, have you heard from him? I’ve checked all the message drops he knows about, and also the ones he doesn’t, because, well, he’s _Stark_ and still, I’ve got nothing. No contact.”

“......”

“He can’t be dead. Not like that…”

“...”

“Right?”

**

_[ring]_

 

“Stark Industries, how may I direct your call?”

“Can I please speak to Pepper Potts?”

“Ms. Potts is unavailable, sir. May I take a message?”

“Look, I really need to talk to her. I’m a friend. Well, I’m an acquaintance. Well, I’m-”

“Do you have an appointment, sir?”

“What? No, I don’t have an appointment. Who has an appointment for a phone call?”

“Ms. Potts has an extremely busy schedule, sir. If you give me your name and number, I will give it to her personal assistant so she can call you back.”

“Look, it’s an emergency. I’m Clint Barton, Hawkeye, an Avenger? I know you’ve heard the news. I just need to speak with-”

“As I informed you earlier, Mr. Barton, Ms. Potts is unavailable right now.”

“Oh.”

_[sigh]_

“Would you like to leave-”

 _[click]_

“Damn it!”

 

** ** **

 

**Thor: The Dark World**

9:23 AM, Me: “Oh, ffs,MORE aliens???”

**

_[ring]_

“Sal’s pizza, pickup or delivery?”

“Delivery. Extra large pepperoni and mushroom, please. And can you write a message on the top of the box?”

“A message?”

“Yeah. Write, ‘Maria- sounds like your life just got a lot more interesting.’”

“...Yes, sir.”

“Oh, and can you add a smiley face at the end?”

“Whatever you want, pal. Now where’s this going?”

 

** ** **

 

 **Captain America** The Winter Soldier

_[ring]_  
_[beep]_

“I go on a mission for, like, two seconds and come back to find you on every agency’s Most Wanted list? What the fuck, Nat?” 

_[ring]_  
_[beep]_

“And also, now would be a good time to offer proof of life.”

**

~ROBIN’S FLOWERS~  
~For all your life’s events, say it with an arrangement~

Sure would have been nice to have a teammate with rappelling arrows on hand when you and your new buddy decided to jump from high places, don’t you think?

-Hawkeye

P.S. Why does Nat get to have all the fun?

 

** ** **

 

**Ant-Man**

10:46 AM, Me: Hey Sam.  
Me: So  
Me: I hear you got your ass kicked by a gnat.  
Me: Sam?

11:01 AM, Me: Fellow bird brain?  
Me: Hey! Did you block me?

**

11:13 AM, Me: Did Sam block my number?

11:50 AM, Aragog: You know you boys need to work these things out on your own.

11:55 AM, Me: And how do you suggest I do that if he’s blocked me?

11:59 AM, Aragog: Maybe you should have thought of that before you spammed his phone with pictures of birds and dirty jokes.

12:03 AM, Me: Recovery from broken bones takes too long and PT is really boring. I had to entertain myself somehow.

12:15 PM, Aragog: Then you reap what you sow, farm boy.

**

8:30 PM, Me: So. How’s it going?  
Me: Are you getting along with the rest of the team?  
Me: And a certain android?  
Me: Do I need to give you The Talk? I got sent to the principal’s office for laughing at the pictures that day in health class, so I might not be the best person to do it, but I take my role as your mentor very seriously, so…  
Me: Also, would this make Tony your father-in-law, or something?  
Me: Because if so? That’s weird.

8:40 PM, Me: Wanda?

8:45 PM, Me: Did you block me, too?  
Me: Aww, kiddo, no

 

** ** **

 

**Doctor Strange**

[Postcard of a recluse spider]

N-

We have MAGICIANS now??!!??!!

-C

 

** ** **

 

**Spiderman: Homecoming**

4:24 PM, Me: I like the kid.  
Me: Not sure he picked the best role model, but what can you do?

5:09 PM, Kumonga: Who would you prefer? The impulsive WW2 soldier who volunteered to be a science experiment? His equally impulsive buddy and partner in literal crime who straps a rocket to his back on a regular basis? The AI? You?

6:00 PM, Me: Point.

**

_[ring]_  
_[beep]_

“Laying low is freaking boring and I’m tempted to harass Stark just to break up the day.”

**

1:31 PM, Kumonga: Dumbass.

 

** ** **

 

**Thor: Ragnarok**

Hey Nat,

Just dropped by to say hi and catch up. Didn’t know you’d be upstate. Again. Ate the leftovers in the fridge. 

Do you think we should check on Thor, or something? I mean, it’s been a while since we’ve heard from him, and he doesn’t even know all the shit that’s gone down here, so… 

-CB

**

6:10 PM, Daddy Long Legs: First of all, I knew you’d been in my place before I’d finished walking through the door. You’re slipping, old man.  
Daddy Long Legs: Second, you left crumbs. Everywhere.  
Daddy Long Legs: And third, he didn’t exactly leave a forwarding address.

 

** ** **

 

**Black Panther**

_[ring]_  
_[beep]_

“Wait a second. Wakanda isn’t just a bunch of huts and rhinos but an actual fucking _paradise_? And we sent the _Winter Soldier_ to hide out there while I rot in Bumfuck Wyoming; Population: 83 and home of shitty pizza?”

**

9:59 PM, Empress of the Racnoss: You volunteering for cryostasis, Clint? Because that can probably be arranged.

11:29 PM, Me: No. But I’ll have you know that I DID consider it.

 

** ** **

 

**Avengers: Infinity War**

_[ring]_  
_[beep]_

“What the fuck is going on, Nat? Half the town is just… gone. I can’t get in touch with Fury or Hill, the news, what there is of it, is reporting _more_ alien attacks, and none of my SHIELD contacts are returning my calls. Where the hell is everyone?”

 

END


	3. Deleted Scenes (AKA: The Apocrypha)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These are a few scenes that I wrote but then cut from the final piece because Clint was featured heavily in those movies and so they didn't really fit with the theme of "Where the hell was Clint?!" that we had going. I still like them, though, so they get put here for fun. Consider them "between the scenes" bonuses.
> 
> Han: It's the APOCRYPHA!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this story we've reimagined the family on the farm as being Barney's, who has turned his life around somewhat and with whom Clint has a strained, though not murderous, relationship.

**The Avengers**

 

** ** **

**Avengers: Age of Ultron**

_[ring]_

“You’ve reached the Bartons, leave a message.”

_[beep]_

“Hey, Barney? Laura? Umm. This looks bad, but I’m gonna be dropping by in a bit with a few… umm, friends. Quietly. Damn- I mean dang! Sorry, kids. Anyways, we need a place to regroup for a bit and I can’t think of anywhere else to go, so…”

**

Congratulations on the birth of your new baby boy!  
Please enjoy this gift certificate to The Baby Boutique with our fondest regards.  
-The Avengers & Stark Industries

*

Hey Barney,

Congratulations on your new rugrat. He’s real cute, for a terrifyingly small human. I’m glad Laura’s doing well, too. I hope you all enjoy the gift cards I’m sending with this card and that it helps with all the stuff a baby probably needs. Pepper [Tony’s much better half] said it would be a good idea to send that since you know better what you’ll need for a baby than I ever could. She also said that a thank you for helping us a couple months ago is definitely needed.

I know we haven’t really gotten along in a long time and that we’ll never be the type of brothers that visit for the holidays, and all that crap. But you still came through for me when I needed you and didn’t know where else to go. So thanks. 

-Clint

 

** ** **

**Captain America: Civil War**


	4. Deleted Scenes (text only)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Text-only version of the ~~deleted scenes~~ APOCRYPHA!.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this story we've reimagined the family on the farm as being Barney's, who has turned his life around somewhat and with whom Clint has a strained, though not murderous, relationship.

**The Avengers:**

10:50 AM, Charlotte’s Web: I need you in on this one, Clint.

11:07 AM, Me: They’re a little busy with damage control at the moment, Nat. But even without official paperwork I am 1000% sure that I am not cleared for missions. Possibly ever.

11:09 AM, Charlotte’s Web: You’re cleared for this one, Captain’s orders.

11:15 AM, Me: I can’t. I just

11:25 AM, Charlotte’s Web: It’ll be a walk in the park, Clint.  
Charlotte’s Web: Literally.  
Charlotte’s Web: You can do this. You *have* to do this. You need to see it through.

 

** ** **

 

**Avengers: Age of Ultron**

_[ring]_

“You’ve reached the Bartons, leave a message.”

_[beep]_

“Hey, Barney? Laura? Umm. This looks bad, but I’m gonna be dropping by in a bit with a few… umm, friends. Quietly. Damn- I mean dang! Sorry, kids. Anyways, we need a place to regroup for a bit and I can’t think of anywhere else to go, so…”

**

Congratulations on the birth of your new baby boy!  
Please enjoy this gift certificate to The Baby Boutique with our fondest regards.  
-The Avengers & Stark Industries

*

Hey Barney,

Congratulations on your new rugrat. He’s real cute, for a terrifyingly small human. I’m glad Laura’s doing well, too. I hope you all enjoy the gift cards I’m sending with this card and that it helps with all the stuff a baby probably needs. Pepper [Tony’s much better half] said it would be a good idea to send that since you know better what you’ll need for a baby than I ever could. She also said that a thank you for helping us a couple months ago is definitely needed.

I know we haven’t really gotten along in a long time and that we’ll never be the type of brothers that visit for the holidays, and all that crap. But you still came through for me when I needed you and didn’t know where else to go. So thanks.

-Clint

 

** ** **

 

**Captain America: Civil War**

3:03 AM, Me: You know, the more time passes and the weirder our lives and teammates get, I think my fuckedupness level is decreasing in comparison.

3:05 AM, Shelob: The worst part is that at this point, I can’t even argue with your conclusion.

3:06 AM, Me: Anything new with Rhodes? They weren’t exactly keeping us up to date in The Raft.

3:10 AM, Shelob: It’s bad, Clint.

3:12 AM, Me: Fuck.

 

** ** **

**Author's Note:**

> BluegeekEM's commentary:  
> Thank you to Hangebokhan for an incredibly fun and interactive partnership for this pod_together creation (and for introducing me to comics!Hawkeye) and to the mods for hosting this challenge once again!


End file.
